A menopausal woman’s letter to God

Dear God,

I think I may have been a little vague in my prayers lately, and I need to clarify a few things. 

When I asked for a “peaches-n-cream” complexion, I didn’t mean “fuzzy like a peach” and “the color of cream.”  I meant smooth like cream and the color of a peach.  Is it too late to do anything about that?

Awhile back, I prayed about global warming.  I had no idea you would start fixing the problem by having me turn my thermostat down—WAY down—to the point where my guests have to wear hats and mittens. This doesn’t bother me during the winter, but do you think you could find an alternate solution to global warming before summer?  It gets very HOT in Oklahoma in July and August, and I can’t afford a trip to the Arctic. 

When I said I wanted to be a more tender person, I was hoping you would make me more compassionate toward others.  Instead, my breasts are tender (very tender!).  I’m sure if you could fix that, I would be a lot nicer to everyone. 

Finally, there is that nasty surprise each month… Perhaps the fact that I continually have to buy Fruit of the Loom undies is keeping people in China employed.  Or perhaps it is keeping the factory open where they manufacture Spray ‘N Wash. I want to do my part, but perhaps I could have been more specific when I asked you what I could to to help with the economy.

Please consider re-evaluating my requests, and I’ll try to be patient with your “blessings” until then.

Rita  🙂